Do you have moments where you stop and think, “What is going on with me?” Maybe you’re putting something off for the third week in a row, even though you really do want to get it done. Or maybe your boss’s name flashes up on the phone and before you’ve even answered, your stomach is in bits. You know it doesn’t make sense, but you can’t seem to help it.

 

In some approaches, like CBT, we might look for the thoughts that are driving the feeling: “What was going through my mind when I got anxious?” That can be really useful, and often it does the job. Sometimes the thought is quite clear “He’s going to criticise me” or “I’ll make a mess of this”,  and once you spot it, you can work with it. But other times, you hit a dead end. You know you’re anxious, you’ve searched for the thought, and nothing quite fits. It’s as if the feeling is there but the thinking part of your mind can’t catch hold of it. That’s where people can feel stuck.

 

This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS) can take the baton. Rather than only focusing on the thought, IFS says “let’s turn towards the feeling itself”. Let’s assume that some part of you is showing up for a reason, even if it hasn’t explained itself yet.

 

On your own, you can experiment with a bit of gentle curiosity, noticing where you feel the reaction in your body, or wondering what that part might be worried about. But more often than not, IFS tends to go much deeper when it’s done with a therapist who’s trained in the approach. A therapist can help you guide the process when it’s too hard to do it on our own.

 

When people explore these parts with support, a few things often happen. Sometimes the part eventually shares its story. The procrastinating part might show that it’s terrified of failure, because of how painful criticism once was. The anxious part might be carrying an old memory of bad news arriving by phone. Other times, the insight doesn’t come so neatly. But even then, something shifts. Just by being noticed and respected, the part doesn’t have to shout so loudly. The intensity of the feeling softens.

 

That’s the heart of IFS, that every part of us is trying, in its own way, to look after us. None of them are bad, even if they cause us hassle. And underneath all those parts is something deeper: a steady, compassionate core that IFS calls the “Self.” From there, we can meet even our most confusing reactions with a bit of kindness.

 

So the next time you catch yourself saying, “I don’t know why I do this”, it might be worth considering whether IFS could help. You don’t have to figure it out on your own. With the right support, those puzzling symptoms can start to make sense, and over time, they often loosen their grip, leaving you with a bit more space and freedom in how you live your life.

James Lloyd is an accredited psychotherapist specialising in trauma-focused therapy, working with adults experiencing anxiety, depression, PTSD, and complex trauma. His approach is integrative, drawing from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Internal Family Systems (IFS). With a background in both research and clinical practice, James tailors his therapy to each person’s unique experiences, helping them build resilience and gain clarity in their lives. Sessions are available online and in person (Tuesday) in The Natural Clinic.