Two different perspectives on the same teen.

A teacher sends an email home explaining how their teenager has been acting in a
“disruptive” manner in school and expressing a change in them, not showing much
interest in school, not paying much attention in class and getting in trouble. For some
parents, it may come across as a shock and unexpected from their child. At home,
the parent may see the teenager in a different way, being quiet, funny, caring or
simply tired from a long day in school.

It can often be confusing or a shock to both parent and teacher when the teenager is
appearing so differently in the environment they are in. teachers often observe
behaviour within a structured classroom setting, while parents see their teen in a
more open and familiar setting, such as their home and surroundings. Neither
perspective is necessarily wrong, they are simply different pieces of a much larger
picture.
While a teen is growing up through their adolescence years, behaviour can be
influences by emotional stress, anxiety, social/school pressure, finding their identity
and difficulties expressing their emotions. Adults may only see what is on the
surface, which is only the tip of the iceberg, there is often more going on for the teen
internally.

Instead of saying to the teen “you need to strop with these behaviours, you wll get in
trouble,” it may be more helpful to ask yourself “what might be causing these
behaviours, what is actually going on internally.”

What teachers see in the classroom

Teachers often only see teens in one environment, which is the classroom. For a
teen, this may be the most demanding part of their day, a room which is filled with
expectations, social dynamics, pressure and constant stimulation. This in return
requires teens to have constant concentration, emotional regulations and the ability
to handle these stressors.

Teachers focus on behaviours which are effecting the class or the teens ability to
learn and participate. As school is important for learning and the development of a
teen, teachers may have concern when the teen is having trouble with attendance,
concentration or outburst. However, it is important to remember that the teacher
usually only sees the teen in this one environment, understanding that the teen may
have a lot going on for them internally that may be the root cause of these

“behaviours.” These personal issues with the teen could be anxiety, family stress,
friendship difficulties, low self-esteem or emotional exhaustion. It is important for the
teacher to understand this, so they are not so quick to blame the teen for their
behaviours.
It is important to remember that teenagers are still developing and experiences all
these emotions, it might be the case that just simply don’t know how to express
themselves properly yet.

What parents hear at home

When parents attend parent-teacher meetings or receive a phone call from school,
its often teachers focusing on the teens behaviour, concentration in class or
discipline. For many parents this can bring worry, confusion or the fear their teen is
struggling and not telling anybody.
It can also be confusing for the parents, hearing these reports about behaviour in
school, when it doesn’t match up to how the teen is acting at home or familiar
environments. When teens are silently struggling in school but appear calm at home,
it can leave the parents unsure of how serious the situation is or what may be
happening beneath the surface.

What may be happening beneath the behaviour

Behaviours can often be a reflection of what a teenager is struggling to cope with
internally and struggling to express verbally in a positive manner. Struggles such as
anxiety, stress or school and academic pressures and expectations can be difficult
for adolescence to cope with which may result in lack of concentration, overthinking
and emotional regulation.

Adolescence are often going through emotions which are not visible to adults, such
as low self-esteem, friendship difficulties, social pressures, burnout, emotional
exhaustion or challenges at home. It is important to remember that teens are going
through all these new experiences and emotions quickly, as school is a big step in
life at such a young age, which can be overwhelming for them and they don’t have
the tools yet to cope with them in a healthy manner.

Adolescence is an age where young people are at a stage where they are learning
about themselves, finding their identity, building new friendships and understanding
about their emotions and what each emotion means to them. As a result, distress
may not always come out in words, instead it comes out in behaviours which may be
the only way teens know how to deal with situations.

Where misunderstandings often happen

Misunderstandings can easily develop when parents, teachers and teenagers are
each seeing different parts of the full picture.

Teachers notices behaviours in theclassroom not knowing or

understanding what is going on for the teen internally,
parents see the teen at home and in familiar environment while not fully
understanding what the teen is experiencing in school and the daily pressures.

Meanwhile, in the middle of the parent and teacher, the teen may feel misunderstood
from both sides. While all the teen hears about is their behaviour and discipline in
school, they struggle to explain and express what they are actually feeling and going
through. This can be difficult for the teen, not knowing how to express how they are
truly feeling, it can be frustrating for them to have labels such as “bad behaviour”
overlooking how they are truly feeling internally.

How therapy can help

Therapy for adolescence can provide them with a safe and supportive space to
explore what may be going on for them internally which is effecting their behaviour.
Rather than focusing just on the behaviour, therapy helps young people to get a
better understanding of their emotions, how situations affect them and healthy
coping tools.
Therapy for adolescence can also support communication between teen, parent and
teachers by getting a better understanding about how the emotional factors the teen
is experiencing is affecting their behaviours. When adults and teachers start looking
beyond labels such as “bad behaviour, discipline,” they often begin to get a better
understanding of what the teen is going through, therefore everyone is in a better
position and understanding to support the teenager and to respond to the underlying
issues.

What actually helps teens

While adolescence are struggling internally, what helps them is feeling understood.
Staying open minded about what they are going through instead of making
assumptions can create a safer and open space for the teen to express themselves.
Simple questions such as “what has been going on for you lately” can encourage
teens to feel safe while sharing their emotions with you.

It is important as an adult to listen to the teen instead of immediately correcting or
problem-solving, it helps the teen feel heard and understood. Communication and
collaborating between school and parents can also provide a support system for the
teen, so they feel safe and understood. At the end of the day, adolescence will thrive
in environments where they feel emotionally safe, supported and feel like they can
express themselves without the fear of criticism or shame.

Growing up through adolescence years can feel scary and overwhelming, it is
important that teens feel safe and supporting while learning and experiencing all of
these new emotions.

Conclusion: looking beyond the behaviour

Behaviour in school is only the tip of the iceberg for adolescence. What teachers and
parents see on the surface may not fully reflect the emotional stress, pressure or
struggles the teen is experiencing.

Once teachers and parents begin to understand that there may be more going on
internally, rather than immediately reacting with labels, adolescence often feel safer,
understood and supported. Support begins for adolescence once the conversation
changes from “stop behaving badly and disrupting the class” to “what is going on for
you, would you like to talk about it?”

Jamie works with Teens and Young adults at The Natural Clinic in Cork city.

You can learn more, contact Jamie or book an appointment here.